Of course I know what tomorrow is, we've been counting down the days since May 1st. Tomorrow is my baby girl's sixth birthday. To her, it means cake, presents and being told Happy Birthday by everyone she sees. To me, its bittersweet. To me it means one year closer to her independence, one year closer to high school, to prom, to driving, dating, college. To her momma its one year closer to my baby, not being my baby anymore.
Six years ago today I sat in my OB's office in terrible pain, begging him to induce me. A decision I would feel guilty about every day after. On May 16, 2007 I went to the hospital for what I figured would be a routine delivery just like the other two, but I was wrong. Things didn't go as planned and Lil was born blue, purple really, and not breathing. My heart stopped, for 2 whole minutes I'm sure of it. My mom tried to tell me everything was ok, but I knew. I knew my baby wasn't right, she couldn't breathe and it was my fault. I forced her to come a week early and she wasn't ready, it was my fault for taking pain medicine, it was my fault for not being on bed rest like I was supposed to have been, my baby couldn't breathe and it was my fault. The NICU team rushed her out of the room, I got to kiss her and look at her for about 30 seconds, then the panic set in. I didnt know if she was ok, I didnt know if she was going to be ok, I didn't know if I was going to be ok. They took me up to a regular post delivery room, only it wasn't. I was on the end of the wing, where they put mothers who have lost their babies so they don't hear the other babies crying. I lost it, I screamed at a nurse that I wanted to see my baby, everything from this point on is a bit of a blur. I had to go downstairs through a tunnel to get to the CHOC NICU to see her. She was tiny, but not like sick baby preemie tiny, just tiny in the sense that my boys had been 8lbs and 9lbs and she was barely 6lbs. She had a CPAP on her face, and a tube in her nose, and an IV in her belly button. I looked at the nurse and I said "I dont even know what she looks like, is she cute under all that?" I know it was silly but it was all I could think of, I didn't know what my baby looked like!
The next 28 days were up and down. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat, I went to the hospital every 4 hours to try to get her to eat, it was mentally and physically exhausting. We finally brought her home and I slept every day for 3 months with her on my chest, I refused to put her down. Can you blame me?
Even as I'm recalling all of this, it still seems like it was barely a year ago, yet here she is, 6. Her school pictures show a beautiful little girl, with no trace of baby left on her face. I hate it. But I love it all at the same time. Shes beautiful, smart, funny, sweet and our lives are all rainbows and glitter when shes around. So yes baby girl, I know what tomorrow is. Tomorrow is the day that you changed every one's life forever. Happy Birthday my sweet sweet princess. Mommy loves you SO MUCH.
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